The Brown Sea Coast

Well Toto, you mangy wreck of a cat (This particular Toto's a cat, the canine equivalent not being widely available for Wizard of Oz quotations in Turkey), I think we're not in Kansas anymore!

As previously mentioned, I've horsed myself off the tourist trail to Trabzon, on the northeast coast of Turkey, on the Black Sea... and... well... ehhh... things ain't as easy as they were. I've gotta say that the southwestern tourist ring is very accessible indeed. Buses bring you more or less from hostel door to hostel door, you don't really have to choose a hostel as you're ushered from one affilliation to the next, there's always plenty of gringos around to combat isolation etc. etc. etc.

Up here things are a bit different: I was dumped in the industrial swampland that passes for the bus station and hiked for 20 minutes into the town centre. Since I've been in Turkey, I've realised that the guide I bought was published during the middle ages so any information it has is a tad out of date... When I got to the town centre, I hiked around a bit for a cheap hotel and ended up with a cosy little windowless oven on the sixth floor of a run-down shithole of a place. Cheap as chips though... All the other hotel guests were very attractive Russian girls, who swanned around in skimpy nightclothes and lay seductively on their beds with the doors of their rooms open... ehhhhhhh yeah... well, at least it wasn't a brothel!

Since I've come away, I've enjoyed getting back into some old travelling habits. One particular such habit is named the Poshite. The Oxford English dictionary defines the poshite as: 'the art of leveraging the lavatory facilities of upmarket western hotels for defecational purposes without actually being a patron'. It's not really nuclear physics and I'm sure everyone does it, but I think it's great... You have to stroll up the door with a swagger and oozing confidence. As you approach the doorman, it is this confidence that will sink or swim you. Part of the doorman's basic training has been identification of poshiters and their subsequent deterral, so you have to be strong. As you approach the following is going through the doorman's head: "This fucker is gonna come in here and shit and leave without paying for anything.... but he is western... what if he's a guest that I haven't seen yet.... wait a second, he's dressed like a tramp... but he is western... what if he's one of those new aged hippies that stays in upmarket hotels but dons tramps clothing to mingle with the locals during the day.... what'll I do... what'll I do......". If, at this point, you show even the slightest waver of doubt or lack of conviction, you're done for... You have to persevere and stroll in there as if you own the place, passing him with a smile and 'good afternoon', which no doubt he'll feebly reciprocate. Occassionally, you'll get a lacky who'll feel hard done by and will shadow you on your stroll across the reception, in which case you go to the bar, look around for 'that person that you have to meet', look at your watch, shake your head and say tut-tut and then turn around and ask HIM directly where the toilets are. On your way out then, you just stroll and everyone's looking at you, and everyone knows what you just did... but it doesn't matter, cos it's done now, and you can't take it back... (haha, imagine the thought of them getting you to take it back...)...

While we're on the topic of defectation, the Turks have this great little invention. It's a little nozzle at the back of the toilet which is aimed upwards. You sit down... you do your business... and then you turn a little knob to the side of the loo. And low-and-behold a stream of high pressure water comes out of the nozzle, aimed directly at the... ahem... particular....ehh.... orifice in question, washes it of all... ahem... debris... and bob's your uncle! Afterwards, you take some loo paper and 'pat down' to dry things off... Seo e agus sin a bhfuil as we say!!!

So, I've been talking shit for long enough... Today, I decided to check out of my brothel and went to visit the Sumela monastery perched up in the mountains... It was pretty groovy and gave me enough opportunity to walk around in forests, which is why I came to the Black Sea, so I've decided that I have enough of it and I'm going to hop straight on a bus out of here and try to make my way into (cheap) Iran asap... I don't have the cash to stay in Turkey any longer... it's too pricey! So I'm going to Van tonite, the most eastern city in Turkey and crossing point to Persia of old... I'll probably stay there for a few days getting my shit together for Iran (buying long trousers, converting to Islam, arranging circumcision etc.)

If you're reading this blog, you should leave messages, cos it inspires me to write... If I think no-one's reading, I won't write anything... If you have a question, ask away and I'll answer it in the next posting...

May allah (peace be upon him) be with you all...

C-man