Big-tuskers and one-horners

I’m in Guwahati, the biggest city in the Northeast of India and the capital of the state of Assam. It’s hot and it’s humid. The monsoon is playing with our minds… it hasn’t really started raining yet, but there is the occasional downpour. It’s getting late in the season and the city’s suffering a water shortage. Any day now, the heavens should open and the continuous reliable rains of the monsoon should cool the earth and lessen our infernal anguish, but so far, the clammy heat and pea-soup humidity prevails.

I’ve met up with my friend Vikram, whom I met in Bombay, and he’s been good enough to let me stay with his family here. We’re going to leave tomorrow morning to Shillong in the state of Megalaya, which is only a three hour taxi ride away. I’ve been assured that Shillong is a good deal higher and that the climate there is much more agreeable, which is good because neither Guwahati nor my wardrobe can sustain the fourteen-showers-and-three-shirts-a-day habit I’ve developed in the last 24 hours.

Vikram’s family has been a culinary delight and a welcome break from the samosa diet I’ve been on for the past while. For breakfast this morning we had chickpeas in a light tomatoe sauce, scrambled eggs with peas and onions and the Assamese equivalent to the ubiquitous Puri, which is a type of deep-fried bubble made from refined flour. For lunch we were invited to his uncles house where I gorged myself on multiple helpings of the most wonderfully light Dal (lentils), fish in a mustard and coconut milk sauce, fish cakes with spicy sweet olive chutney, lightly battered ochra, mixed vegetable and potato curry, followed off with a semolina desert with fruit and nuts; and ice cream. To aid our tummies in the monstrous challenge of digestion, we chewed betel nut and cardamom seeds.

The stopover in Jaldapara National Park in the West Bengali Hills was a fantastic experience. In the wild, we got to see rhinos, elephants, deer, ghul (the Indian version of bison), peacock and lots of other birds. We also got a close look at leopards in captivity. One day we were driving through the forest when a huge wild elephant (or a ‘big tusker’ as the guide called it) came out right onto the road behind us. It was magic (even though I nearly shit myself cos it looked like it was gonna charge us). The next morning, we rode out on elephants to look for the endangered Indian one-horned rhino and managed to find two fine specimens.

It was weird, I dunno if it was something unique to these two Rhino specimens, but they appeared to have some kind of issue with projectile defecation and urination. One of them went for a shit and it exploded out its rear end and landed about five feet away. The other one went for a piss and, again, it fountained up into the air nearly soaking an elephant-full of Injun tourists.

So I seem to be more of a novelty out here in the Northeast of the country. When I made my way from Jaldapara to Guwahati yesterday, I passed through the town of Cooch Behar, which is the setting for ‘Memoirs of a Maharani’, a book I read before I came away. I had this romantic notion of the town, which the book describes in detail, in reference to the princely states which existed before, during and (to some extent) after the Raj (British India). Anyway, it’s the arsehole of the universe; and they had clearly never seen a ‘whitey’ before so I caused a bit of a ruckus as I passed through the town. The Injuns have little sense of embarrassment about staring. There doesn’t seem to be the ‘rude’ taboo linked to it like we have at home. Most of the time I don’t mind, and I’m happy to stare back, or else to ignore, or else to smile and head-bobble, but sometimes… if the person looks particularly stupid… I’m liable to stop in my tracks, stare right back at them with my mouth open, tongue dug under my bottom lip and my eyes all googley in an attempt to illustrate to them how fucking ridiculous they look staring at me like a retard. Like any attempt at misguided social conditioning though, it falls flat on its face, with their gaze only turning even more moronic due to the increased peculiarity of engagement.

The staring reached its zenith this morning at the train station. I arrived at 3.30am and had to hang around until half six until my friend collected me. I was sitting outside the station minding my own business when I realised that ants had discovered the biscuits in my bag and had… well, ‘taken it over’ as such. I started dancing around like a lunatic trying to get the little formic fuckers out of my bag. Of course all I ended up achieving was getting myself covered the little bastards and then proceeded to attempt de-ant-ification through a series of jerks and slaps that must have made me look like I was suffering the advanced stages of dementia. Every station in India is besieged 24-7 by an a plethora of a people in one or other stage of transit, be it sleeping in the middle of a stairwell or arguing with rickshaw wallahs. And by the time I had managed to quell the invading armies, I looked up to find about four hundred people – stopped in their tracks - staring at me, smiling from ear to ear. I laughed and they all laughed too, it was actually pretty cool.

See below for pics of Indiana Jones-style jungle exploration in Jaldapara.

I promise the next post will be about what I’m going to do in the future, cos I’m coming to a crossroads pretty soon.

Ur man in Hindustan…

C.